


forever yours, yukhei wong

by samarasharazi



Series: letters to the dead [1]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: A Letter to His Lost Love, Anger, Coping, Despair, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Grief/Mourning, M/M, Pain, Small mention of blood, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-12
Updated: 2020-08-12
Packaged: 2021-03-06 02:09:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,194
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25825669
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/samarasharazi/pseuds/samarasharazi
Summary: Yukhei writes a final letter to his lost love.
Relationships: Mark Lee/Wong Yuk Hei | Lucas
Series: letters to the dead [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1981580
Comments: 13
Kudos: 39





	forever yours, yukhei wong

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, it's currently 2:00 in the morning and I'm super emotional about this piece but here it is, an impulsive write up. I think I write so many stories about suicide as a way to show myself what the aftermath would look like. Writing might very well be my saviour, aha. Also, if you wanna cry a little, some sad music would really do the job while reading (I mean hopefully lmao).
> 
> For this piece, it would really mean a lot to me if you left a kudos and a comment, also I'd any cc or just anything hehe
> 
> [my twitter](https://twitter.com/doyounglberry)  
> [my curious cat](https://curiouscat.me/samarasharazi)
> 
> love you all so much, really. I hope you enjoy the piece :)

Dear Mark,

Hey buddy, I don’t really know how to start this one. Dejun told me to try this out, to get rid of my frustrations by writing to you and honestly, I don’t know how effective it’ll be but I guess we can try.

This is going to be super hard. I’ve got the piece of paper in front of me and the pen in my hand but I can’t really think of anything. My mind’s just super blank. Bear with me, yeah?

I really _really_ miss you. Fuck, I just don’t know how I’m supposed say I’m fine. The bed’s always empty now and I can’t bear to sleep in it. I keep imagining your smile every time I say a joke like I’m expecting you to laugh the next second. I don’t know if that’s either just super self-absorbed of me or entirely sad. Melody’s not eating her food either, she’s noticed that you’re not here in the mornings to give it to her. She doesn’t bark, or move out of her bed much. She only comes to me when she hears me crying in your office. It still smells so much like you, even your dirty hoodie’s still sitting in the corner, all crumpled. And your empty coffee mugs. And all those silly sticky notes you put all around your desk telling you to keep going. I took one and stuck it to the wall next to the bed. It says, ‘keep going, you did not come this far just to come this far’. Funny how you didn’t manage to listen to your own advice. I’ve been sleeping in the guest room.

I miss you too much. You left everything behind. Everyone too. You left _me_ behind. You left me and our future behind. You may have not been able to see it but I could. I saw our lives together. I saw my proposal to you, I saw our wedding, I saw our kids, our house, I saw us growing old. But you took it away. You took it away from us. I’m so fucking mad at you. Why did you think you could do that? Why? Please, _please_ just tell me why. I’m begging you, baby, just this once.

Here’s a funny story. You know that ‘fancy’ date for our anniversary that I was planning? The one where you laughed and said you didn’t need grand gestures to be impressed by me. Yeah, I was going to propose then. I had the ring and everything. Even got your friends and parents to double check to see if you were definitely going to like it. I haven’t touched it since that night. I’m so sorry for not being able to, I promise I’ll try harder.

I’m so sorry for not noticing either. God, if I could just turn back time. Back to when we met. Maybe if I did something different to make you happier then I wouldn’t have to be here writing this to you. Fuck, if I had to change us ever meeting if it meant you were somehow somewhere on this earth with me, I would. That would’ve made me happy enough. I feel so fucking stupid for not noticing. How could I not? I was your boyfriend for fucks sake. You were always just so smiley and giggly that I disregarded all those times I’d accidentally find you staring blankly at a wall for minutes on end. Those times you cried not knowing I was there. I should’ve known, I should’ve done something. That was on me.

Ah, now I’m crying. This is so embarrassing. I told myself I would be strong and write this with the paper completely dry but I think I shouldn’t be pretending to be okay. Not when I’m here with you. I guess the wound’s still a bit too new. It’s been two months now and really, if I’m being honest…I don’t think any amount of time is going to be enough for me to heal. Or your family. Or your friends. I found Donghyuck yesterday completely broken down in Renjun’s arms just repeating your name over and over. Like a mantra. I had to run away before anyone could see me cry. I’ve also seen Johnny break too many glasses. Even Jaehyun can’t calm him down anymore.

I’ve been rereading your letter recently. Even in death you're so damn eloquent, I have to laugh. That is truly something to be commended for. You would’ve been great by the way, your stories were going to sell. We’re planning to go ahead with the release date though. I think that’s what you would’ve wanted. We’ve just uh, added an extra note. People will finally know your story and people will finally call your name. I can feel it in my bones, baby. I just hate the fact that the last time you got to say you loved me was in your goddamn suicide note.

It hurts a lot. I’ve been going to a psychiatrist but I hardly listen to them. All I hear are your last words to me playing in my head. Sometimes I even hallucinate you late at night whispering, “remember me, okay? Always remember me.” I should’ve thought more about it because I knew, I _knew_ how weird and off that sounded. You were just going to the shower after all. I’d never seen so much blood before walking into the bathroom that night. How I screamed your name thinking it’d wake you up. Sometimes the worst parts of me wish I could be with you right now, holding your hand. Maybe we could watch over everyone together. I think that would be nice, yeah? If you could be selfish, maybe I can be too.

I’m so bad at this writing thing, I’m sorry. It was always really your domain. You were the one who sent the letters to me early in our relationship, remember? I haven’t opened any in a long time but I still have them in my drawer right next to me. I’m afraid if I do, I won’t be able to build myself up again. But it’s okay, I have time.

This isn’t our final goodbye, baby, not when you’re here with me in my heart, everyday. You asked me not to forget you, but I don’t believe you ever have to worry about that. You’re the centre of my world, there is no way that could ever be possible. And in the future, if it ever happens, that I start to lose my memory, even then I’ll still remember the smily eyed boy with the round glasses who bumped into me on the first day of uni. If God is real, He wouldn’t be heartless enough to take you away from me twice. He was selfish enough to take you for His own, but I’m not letting go of this, of you. You’re going to be with me forever, I promise.

I promise you so much. And I promise to fulfil each one of them, all for you. Anything for you.

I love you and I miss you.

Forever Yours,

Yukhei Wong

**Author's Note:**

> [my twitter](https://twitter.com/doyounglberry)  
> | [my curious cat](https://curiouscat.me/samarasharazi)


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